Words Unspoken

The words below were intended to be read at her celebration of life on 10/26/2024, but circumstances and a gentle nudge from above led me to keep the speech in pocket, until now. 

The HIGHEST FUNCTION OF LOVE is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being. Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume.

Bring Married to Erin Elizabeth Larsen is, was, & will always be the Greatest Honor of My Life. We adored each other from day 1, but it took us over 10 years to figure out how to make it work.

My every move, thought, and belief, has been shaped by her influence and guidance. I am a product of Erin’s ways, her shadow, holding the space for the one who held space many of you. I am the yin to her yang, attempting to ground an earth angel, who always seemed to have her head in the clouds.

Erin’s ways shape how I do the dishes, compost, butter my bread, grocery shop, approach a challenge (Don’t force it Landon!!), take care our my belongings, water the flowers, how I Chop the Wood, and Carry our Water.

Erin’s earthly state truly was exceptional. Drop dead gorgeous, smart, skilled, savvy, wild, witty, jovial, playful, hardworking, strong willed, ornery, sweet, spicy, supportive, and brave. She had perfect vision, a Face with a View, a sense of smell like an African Elephant, and the ability to hear and sense even the subtlest of disturbances around her, unless of course she was texting, or doom scrolling…. She felt and perceived the world on a deeper level than most, Embracing the full Human Experience, while striving to put love, beauty, and intention into everything she did.

When I was in Grad School, I gave her an IQ test, which was ironically called The WoodCock-Johnson IV, which she found hilarious. Of course, she scored in the Superior range, with a score in the 99th percentile for cognitive efficiency. At one point, she asked if she got a visual spatial question correct, and when I replied no, she ripped the easel out of my hands to see for herself, then made the determination that the test was incorrect.

E was a one of one, the genuine article, a free-spirited gypsy orphan hovering above the rest of us, face palming and shaking her head at our ignorance, while simultaneously loving the chaos we all wade through.

Erin’s ways are often attributed to sabbaticals in India, Sri Lanka, and Thailand, or teachings from prominent Yogis, or Accredited Associations for Health and Wellness, and from leading a life packed full of adventure. All of which is true, but E’s ways have roots. Roots that were rarely seen, occasionally referenced, yet ever present. These roots held her upright on even the blusteriest of days.

Her Mother, Diane Larsen Gransky

Her mother is responsible for passing on more than I can comprehend, but some of the highlights would be: Exceptional Intellect, Motherly Instinct, Love for Family, Loyalty, Hyper Organization, Diligent Work Ethic, a Meticulous and Particular nature, her sharp Tongue and Combative Tendencies, her Classiness, Cleanliness, Musical Talent, Desire to Teach, her Precociousness, her ability to seek and find Magic in the Kitchen, to be the Belle of the Ball, her Love of Beauty, her olive skin, her desire to cut loose and have a good time, as well as, her love for the finer things in life.

All of that, came from her Mother, Diane, The Original Domestic Goddess.            

Her Father, Lauren Larsen

While, her Charisma, Charm, Wanderlust, Sense of Adventure, Desire to be a Traveler and not a Tourist, her Curiosity, Gregariousness, Entrepreneurial Spirit, Insatiable desire to be on the move, her need for Speed, her pursuit of passion and the unconventional deal, her nonattachment, her Blonde hair, Blue eyes, Facial Features, her love for flying and corvettes, and above all her Courage. All of that came from her Father, Lauren, The Wild Man in the Sky.

Erin came to embody the finest traits in her parents and yet she channeled these traits and gifts in a way completely unique to her. She Truly was and Continues to be, a One of One.

In the summer of 1983, Lauren and Diane planned a summer trip to return to see Lauren’s family farm in Denmark, WI. Diane drove with the kids, (Chris age 5, Erin age 1.5), and Lauren stayed back in Annapolis to finish up some work, and then took off in his Single Engine Yankee Clipper bound for WI. Lauren’s Plane went down in Lake Michigan, and was never recovered, he was 39 years old. Her Uncle David, who was granted the opportunity to listen to Mayday Recording, shared how he was struck by Lauren’s calm, collected, and courageous demeanor as he faced the music.

History Doesn’t Repeat itself, but it does Rhyme. -Mark Twain

And here we are.

It’s our turn to turn an arrow into a flower.

Shortly after Erin passed, I found a hand written poem that I had never seen before, it was unsigned, undated, but clearly in her handwriting, and seemingly from her adolescence. Those words were as follows:

You ran out the door yelling “I love you”

Who knew it would be the last time

that I heard you say those words

Who knew it would be the last time?

We rode into the sun light

and into the rain one last time

But who knew it would be the last time?

I saw you ride into the distance

I thought “I’ll see you tomorrow”

But who knew that was the last time?

Those words ate through my heart

I heard those around me break down

But all I could do was think of how

It wasn’t true. I’d see you soon.

Because you would never leave me.

God would never take someone so

Loved away from me, away from your family.

Can you come and kiss the pain away that lingers in my heart

Every moment of the day, as I dream of you at night?

One Last Time

Can I look into your eyes?

One More Time

-EEL

Erin’s Ways

After reading those words, for the first time, I came to fully understand Erin. I could never quite relate to the depths of grief and pain she would feel when her grief tides came in, but now, I get it. Grief has a way of bringing clarity with the pain, making us appreciate this precious gift of life and those we are lucky enough to share it with. This was Erin’s way, just as quickly as she broke down, she would stand up, dust herself off, move forward and let it all go, as free as one can be. Like a summer thunderstorm, leaving behind only puddles.

It is in this tragic time where I look to Erin again for guidance. Over the years, I observed her surf out of grief swells and on occasion get swallowed up. E missed her family connections, sense of belonging, and above all, her mom. As a result, she would be left feeling a level of loneliness that was unable to be comforted no matter how close I sat to her. She shared that grief would come to her at the most unexpected of times, driving home from a movie, finding a recipe, being proud of the work she had done. The lesson? Grief is not Linear, and the only way out is through, now I understand.

Erin believed with all of her heart that her parents were with her for the entire ride, watching over her, protecting her, guiding her. She often would find herself experiencing what she called “Thank you Mom moments”, where she would get bailed out serendipitously or find a 20 dollar bill on the ground. E also had multiple encounters with Lauren along the way. He wasn’t quite as subtle as Diane.

It was February of 2021, Erin was pregnant, and we were ecstatic. As we do, being two open books, we told everyone, knowing the risks that lie ahead. In early March, we went in for an ultrasound and all was quiet All Along the Watchtower, I was confused, E knew immediately. The miscarriage was challenging for us, she struggled physically, emotionally, and spiritually. As time passed, we accepted our fate, realized starting a family just wasn’t meant to be for us.  

Around this time a friend of mine reached out, unsolicited, and asked me if Erin looked like her mother or her father? Her father, I replied. Why do you ask? He shared that Lauren had come to him and had requested he travel to Fayetteville and facilitate a discussion with Erin, myself, and Lauren. There were multiple encounters prior to the meeting, all of which confirmed this message was real.

At the meeting, the following message was given, “He has been present for it all. His death in a way allowed him to have a relationship with her that he never would have had otherwise. He is proud of her strength and courage, but nobody does it alone. Think of the parts that make you, you. Where did you get them? We are standing on the shoulders of those who came before us. Both of you have large spirit families. If you ever need help, just ask. Strive to gain abundance over monetary wealth. Embrace the full human experience.”

Erin sat on our couch as nonchalant as ever and expressed an attitude of “well, duh dad, tell me something I don’t know!” Meanwhile, my jaw is on the floor. Lauren went on to say “Remember what brought you two together, let go of everything in the past and start anew. Learn each other all over again”.

And here we are.

I recognize that story sounds far out, and yet here I sit, 2 months since E passed, and I can assure you… She’s still here, watching over me as well as those who open themselves up to her guidance and love. Her passing was the great awakening for me, a catalyst, an opportunity to be transformed into the standard E, Diane, and Lauren set for this family.  

And yet, even with the understanding that the Light Remains, I quietly miss her every single day. If only she could come and kiss the pain away, One Last Time.

E you truly are irreplaceable, and I am so grateful to have been granted the opportunity to be your husband, lover, and best friend. We built a hell of a life together in short amount of time, and that’s a credit to you, but remember, we can’t do it alone, and so it’s with that said I send another prayer your way, Stay With Me, I need all the help I can get.

Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright

I love you so much,

-Lan

Out of all those kinds of people

You’ve got a face a with a view

I’m just an animal looking for a home

And to share the same space for a minute or two

And you love me till my heart stops

Love me till I’m Dead

Eyes that Light up, Eyes look through you

Cover up the Blank Spot

Hit me on the Head

Aaaoooooooooooooooo

This Must Be the Place-The Talking Heads